I'm at a Loss

Happy Monday, friends! How was your weekend? I hope it was an awesome one for you. 

I'm going to be completely honest here and let you know that I am really struggling right now. I have always been so good in a crisis. I remember this time when I was an idiotic 15 year old and was hanging out with some other idiotic teenagers and we were doing some things that we shouldn't have been doing and driving around the backroads on Spring Break. I was sitting in the middle of the front seat (we called that "riding bitch" and I still have a hard time not calling it that, even when it's Justin who has to sit in the middle #bestmomever *eye roll*). I didn't have my seat belt on because again, I was an idiot teenager, and we ended up getting in a pretty horrific car accident. I was the person who was the most injured but I remember being extremely calm and helping everyone out of the car and taking charge of the situation. Once we were at the hospital the doctors and nurses kept raving to my parents about how calm and mature I was, especially considering my age. 

Well that's something that I've always prided myself on. I am a very strong and composed person when I need to be, and this past week has been that type of a week. I sat and listened to everything the doctors and nurses said and did and remembered all of it so I could do research when they left so I could be better informed about everything that was going on. I couldn't cry and let myself feel my emotions while my daughter was thrashing about in pain and fear because if I did, who would take care of business?

This is all great for the crisis situation but now that we're out of it, I feel just completely drained and almost fragile like I might break or something. But I still can't break down and let myself go because if I do, who's going to take care of everything else? Jules still needs antibiotics 3 times a day for the next 2.5 weeks, has lots of dr appointments, has an open and oozing wound on her ankle that I have to dress and ensure we aren't having additional problems with, and she is extra clingy and tired and won't let me put her down even to go to the bathroom. On top of that, I have a 13 year old son who has been amazing throughout all of this, but he still needs me to be his mom. And then I have a husband who leaves every night to run into crazy and stressful situations and needs me to support him in that. 

So I am struggling a bit on the inside right now. I teeter between being so grateful that we seem to be getting out of the woods with Julianna right now and then trying not to cry because I haven't been able to get that out yet and probably won't until I eventually break down in the bathroom alone or something. 

I go back to work tomorrow (my mom is still here and will help with Jules) and then Jules will go back to daycare probably on Thursday as long as her incision site is scabbed up. I think getting  back into our routine is going to help me shake this feeling of almost being numb on the inside a lot and I'm actually really looking forward to it. I have also been able to work out almost every day since coming home from the hospital and that seems to help a lot as well.

However while I was trying to come up with a blog post for today I was really struggling and didn't really know what to put. I'm not feeling particularly funny or clever right now and I know that's probably what most of you have come to expect from my posts. So instead I'm just being honest and putting it out there that I'm kind of at a loss. 

I do think that it will start getting better tomorrow so let's all cross our fingers and hope that tomorrow's post is filled with all sorts of shenanigans and ridiculousness because I hate feeling this way just as much as you probably don't enjoy reading it!

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, here are some fun pictures of stuff we did this weekend. Jules spirits have really been up and she's getting back to her crazy, silly self. 

She's still not walking at all, but I think it will probably happen in the next day or so. Today she actually put full weight on her left leg and kind of shuffled over the my iPad, so we're almost there! Instead of walking she's just crawling everywhere or "walking" on her knees when she wants to use her hands. Or she's just having me carry her everywhere since she won't let me put her down.

We've obviously been taking it pretty easy 90% of the time, but decided to get out of the house and go for a short hike on Saturday morning, which ended up being a really great time. We were all able to work up a bit of a sweat and Jules really enjoyed being outside. As we were walking (I obviously wore her the entire time), she kept pointing and saying "that" to everything, meaning she wanted to know what it was. And then she kept wanting to touch the trees and point at all of the wildlife. 

For wildlife we ended up seeing a pretty big alligator, a baby alligator chasing a bird, and baby raccoon that was super effing cute. It climbed up a tree to get away from us and Jules kept pointing at it and saying "dog". No, not dog...don't pet. 

Justin was happy to be done with the hike when we got back to the end of the trail though...

2 miles is way too much for this kid. I think it's worth noting he's wearing a grumpy cat shirt and grumpy cat socks #fashionista

Other than that short adventure, we've been doing a lot of laying around and playing with blocks and changing multiple awful diapers that are due to the crazy antibiotics she's on. 

I hope to be back tomorrow with something super fun and exciting, but no promises. 

I hope you all have an amazing day and week.